Divorce - Break up? - peer support forum

My wife and I have been together for 14 years. We love each other very much. But I have had jealousy issues about her past for almost our entire relationship. I've punished her for things she did before we met. I know it was wrong but I couldn't stop myself.
We'd be fine for a few months then I'd bring it up again, she'd try to explain but it never made things better for me.

She's moved out a few weeks back and told me to get help, I've started therapy and have made lifestyle changes. I've had self-esteem and insecurity issues for many years which I've never faced until now. I was hopeful and making progress but it's too little too late for her. She's ended the relationship 3 weeks after moving out. I'm completely utterly devastated. I hate myself so deeply for what I've done to her and our marriage. It never had to be like this. I've been such a fool. I love her so deeply this pain is unbearable. Knowing it's my fault. I can't stand myself. I disgust myself for my actions.
I had hoped after so long together she'd at least let me really try to make changes. But it's over. I don't know how to carry on. I can't live with myself. I'm so consumed with sadness and self loathing. I don't want to carry on life without her she's my everything my world. I'm in such a deep abyss of sadness.
I asked her too give me time let me tackle my issues. I want to change be a better person. I can see what I did wrong. But it's over. I have no hope now.

The Rice Purity Test, designed to measure one's life experiences and choices, can sometimes leave individuals questioning the accuracy of their results. This article aims to guide those who may be in doubt, offering insights and steps to achieve complete clarity regarding their Rice Purity Test outcomes.

1. Acknowledge Subjectivity:

Understanding that the concept of "purity" is subjective is the first step. The test is based on personal experiences and choices, and interpretations can vary widely. Recognizing this subjectivity is crucial in assessing the accuracy of your results.

2. Review Your Responses:

To gain clarity, revisit the specific questions you answered during the test. This step allows you to analyze how each response contributed to your overall score. Pay attention to questions that may have been ambiguous or challenging to answer.

3. Assess Personal Values:

Consider your own values and principles. The doubt you feel may arise from a misalignment between your personal beliefs and the criteria of the test. Use this opportunity for self-reflection and assess how your values may influence your perception of the results.

4. Seek External Opinions:

Engage in discussions about your Rice Purity Test results with friends, family, or trusted individuals. External perspectives can provide valuable insights and interpretations that you might not have considered. Sharing your results can lead to a broader understanding.

5. Remember the Test's Purpose:

Remind yourself of the primary purpose of the Rice Purity Test. It is not a definitive judgment of your character but a tool for self-reflection. Doubt can be alleviated by recognizing that the test serves as a starting point for introspection, not a rigid assessment.

6. Embrace Ambiguity:

Life experiences are inherently complex, and the Rice Purity Test attempts to categorize them in a binary manner. Embrace the ambiguity in your results, acknowledging that not every experience neatly fits into predefined categories of "pure" or "impure."

7. Use It as a Conversation Starter:

Your Rice Purity Test results can serve as a conversation starter. Engaging in discussions with others about their experiences and perceptions can provide additional clarity and may reveal shared or differing perspectives.

8. Focus on Personal Growth:

Shift the focus from a numerical score to personal growth and self-awareness. Regardless of the result, consider how the test has prompted you to reflect on your life choices and experiences. The doubt itself can be a catalyst for valuable introspection.

Should I stay or Go?

I'm a married Man (41). Been with my wife since we were both 17 and up until last year its the only relationship either of us have known.

We have 2 kids and on paper everything is rosy (house, car, happy kids etc etc) but me and my wife are not 'in love' anymore. We have a great / solid family unit but no love and haven't shared any form of intimacy for many years. She is a wonderful women though and the best mother of my children i could possibly want. We never argue - but this is because we avoid any kind of serious issues / conflict and just drift through life not wanting to rock the boat.
I thought this might be normal and just what happens in LT relationships? But last year i met someone, which has turned into an affair (mainly messaging but also now a number of physical meet ups) and we are both now in love. She makes me feel alive, she's young, fun, gorgeous and very funny and we get on so well. This girl is single and desperately wants me to end my marriage so we can be together. If i don't she will move on as 'life is too short to keep waiting' and i don't blame her for that.

I think i have 3 options and would be grateful if anyone who has any experience of this (or not) would give me some advice because i'm pretty desperate now and not sure what to do. So, do i:

A) End the affair, confess to my wife and 100% commit to my marriage and do the best thing for my wife and children. But live with the regret that i may have missed out on finding true love and happyness.

B) Separate from my wife to be with the girl i love - which excites me so much but also in the knowledge that i will probably lose a lot of my friends (in my wife's circle anyway), upset my children, financial aspect of divorce, and also have the worry that if the new relationship doesn't work out (i know the spark could go once it becomes 'real') i could be left in a pretty sad state on my own and with a lot of regret.

C) Suggest a trial separation and just be single and explore the single life that i've never had. This runs the risk of losing both my wife and my new love but also endless 'new' potential.

What does complicate matters is that my 'affair' is no longer a secret (the girl i'm having the affair with is now friends with a lot of my friends and even my wife's friends) and a number of people now know and it will probably get back to my wife at some point.

Its all a bit of a mess and i need to act soon but don't know what to do. I'm trying to think clearly but instead i find my self turning to drink / substance abuse as a way of blocking the reality of it.
Thank you for reading if you got this far. Help?!

I am a 35 year old woman. I am married and am the mother of three young children.

I have always been happy in my relation. But a while ago I fel in love with another man. He also fel in love with me. The feelings are very strong.

This puts me in a difficult position and I don't know if I want to divorce or if I want to stay with my partner and my family. This is of course a major decision. On one hand I don't want to give up my family and my relationship. But on the other hand I also want to allow this new love to happen...

My ex- boyfriend and I were together for almost 10 years. We met online on a chatroom, not looking for relationships but looking for friends. There were a group of us who were all friends so we all decided to meet up in New York in 2013.

He (my ex) is from Barcelona and I'm from the UK. We had met in real life the previous year in London but as friends. We spoke every day on this chat room for years previous to even having met eachother. But when I met him in New York again along with everyone else I knew I liked him as more than just a friend, and this is when our relationship started. We did long distance for 3 years (long time I know) But were both young and didn't have financial means to move in with eachother. We were both in University. In 2016 as part of his degree, he was required to move to another country for a year (he was studying as an english translator) So we moved together in the UK.

We lived together for a year until his degree ended and then he wanted to return to Spain. He wanted me to go with him because he had just inherited a house from his grandmother who has passed away the year before. I wasn't sure how it would be to leave everything and go to live in a brand new country, with a different language... everything. But I went anyway because I loved him so much.
It was very challenging for me living in a foreign country, learning the langauge, the language barriers I faced and losing independance as i'd have to rely on him to help me with things.
It caused a lot of frustrations between us and we'd fight and argue. I wasn't 100% happy living in Spain, I was happy I was with him and I loved him so so much and we had been through so much to be together, but with the language barrier and me being an immigrant, I just didn't see that there were many options for me to spend the rest of my life there. I know I should have tried harder to learn the language more and intergrate into their way of life but I have a severe social phobia and anxiety.
This meant that for me, speaking to anyone in English was tough enough, but imagine having to speak to someone in a foreign lanaguage that it not your own, and then be worrying about if you said something right, are they going to understand what I said and then the moments when someone says something to you and you don't understand or you just can't find the words to say what you want to say.

I felt so isolated and depressed and extremely anxious. I didn't want to leave the house often on my own because of it and was generally unhappy. We talked about it and he didn't want to live in the UK, we also discussed our future and he didn't want kids and I did. But I stayed there for another 5 years, just because I loved him so much and wanted to be with him. But in the end I got older (i'm not 31) and I thought more and more about my future and realised that we don't have a future together where we are both happy and content.

So in December 2022, I decided I had to leave, I wouldn't have a happy life there and so I went. He begged me not to go, but still he didn't want to live in the UK for a long period of time (I don't blame him)

It's now March 2023 and I am still so heartbroken and i'm crying almost everyday. I don't have any close friends or family I can rely on, I am completely on my own and I wonder now if I made the right decision. I STILL love him so much and miss him terribly. I can't deal with the fact that I may never see him again- he is my best friend, not just my ex boyfriend.
I don't know if I should go back to Spain (if he'll take me back) and really really try to make a go of things and try to make a happy life, or stay here in the UK and try to rebuild my life. I am so much pain, I can't imagine a life without him in it. He has been in my life for 12 years or more. That's more than a 3rd of my life. I miss him terribly, I love him so so much still. I just don't see how I can ever get over this. I've even considered suicide. If anyone has any advice at all I'd love to hear it. I am so sad and lonely. He has also limited contact with me now as well as he says we both need to move on. He is right, but I just can't let go. </3 What should I do

I can't quite figure out why I'm being so indecisive...

I have been with my partner for 8 years, and from the very beginning, I have known that he has a drinking problem. But I have been kind of hopeful that one day he might change...

He is 53, and I'm 50. For the last 8 years we have been together, I have been supporting us. We live in a country where we don't speak their language well - he, almost none, and I am at a level I can communicate with locals even though it is not perfect. He doesn't think he will ever be able to speak the language, so he doesn't even try... and of course, he doesn't have a job. I work online, so I make living through freelancing. Financially it has been very difficult for me... trying to make ends meet by working long hours. Meanwhile, he receive about £200 a month from his mother for helping her with small jobs. He goes to see his mother every morning for 1 hour or so, and after that, he spends most of his time at the bar drinking. All the money he gets from his mother goes to the bar.

He thinks he is too old and can't get back to his old job in construction anymore even if he goes back to the UK. He is just waiting for his pension. He doesn't want to learn new skills or anything.

I have been feeling resentful... to be honest. And I can't see the future with him... Considering the way it has been, I will keep working in my old age, trying to support us while he is drunk spending money which we can't afford...

I feel I have to end this relationship. I own a house and have a job, so I know I can look after myself. But I'm having difficulty telling him that it's over. He loves me, that's without doubt, but not enough to make a change to his way of living. I have already told him that I am not willing to support us like I have done for the last 8 years. I love him, but not the way I used to. I care about him but my body gets tense when he tries to hold my hand or put his arm around me.

The only reason, I think, I haven't directly told him that our relationship is over is that I am worried what he is going to do... and I feel guilty for giving up on us and him. I am worried about things like how he could live, where he could live, how he would feel... But at the same time, I know I can't continue living like this... Why can't make the decision to end?

My relationship is very good. We are each others best friend. It's just.... the passion is lost. Sometimes I miss that immensly. I don't want to live without passion. It's important to me.

But I also don't want to risk my relationship for it. I can't imagine life without my partner. But I also can't imagine life without passion. And I don't know if I can still feel passion for my partner.

I don't know what to do. Anybody recognizes this?

My wife after 2 years and partner for 7 has chosen a new job and new friends over our 2 children and me, we are getting divorced and have tried for 9 months to explain what she is giving up, but just says she needs new job and new friends over us..just can’t understand why any one could make this decision,to give up on our loving family

Hello

I am a mother of two young children (5 and 10).
I am divorced, after a year we kind of came back together again, now we have a LAT relationship.

But not so long ago I fell in love with a fantastic guy with whom I find much more fun and understanding. My ex-husband is manic-depressed and quite selfish.

He is also not so good with the children. The eldest has a development backlog and that often clashes. He calls her names and is physically rough, also with my youngest daughter.

Still they love him naturally it is their father and they want to be with him, I don't want to take that from them because every child deserves a father and mother that are together. That is soooo much in my mind.

My ex-husband can also not be alone with the children because of his disease and he has no authority over the kids and he gives in to keep them quiet, so I am always there one time at my place and in the weekends at his place.

But when I continue with this new guy something will have to change and that scares me so much. Also to not see the children in the weekend, I miss them soooo much then!

My exhusband already gets support from a family coach but he doesn't listen to her, thinks he knows it all better himself.

HELP!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO????????

30 years together with somebody with an alcohol addiction. 13 years sober. Last months fell back. After weeks of huge fights, discussion he stopped drinking again. We have a 21 year old daughter still living with us.

We don't have a relationship anymore, we don't talk with each other, we don't have mutual interests. but I stay here... I don't dare to leave him because he cannot take care of himself... afraid he will completely go down the drain.

I tell him I want to divorce that I can't stand it anymore.. he ignores me... doesn't show any signs of interest, doesn't want to go anywhere.. who can help me to get out

I am already unhappy for ten years, but I don't know if I want to make the decision...

My husband and I.... a fantastic couple, hand in glove... all metaphores used for a happy couple would be applied to us. Although I have to say 'would', because this is by now ten years ago.

I cannot even point my finger on what went wrong.. I didn't do anything wrong, he didn't do anything wrong... still we live together alone. At moments I even hate him! But still I cannot leave him...

I don't know what stops me... the children went their own ways, I can take care of myself, and I would probably still see his family when we would break up....

Do I still like to see him? Probably not! So what's stopping me? ...

I don't find peace anymore, it's always in my head.

The start of our relationship was not quite perfect, more like a flight out of the house then a choice for each other, we were both very young and did not have a good example from our parents.

Looking back I can see now that we made a mess the first years untill I was standing with my back against the wall.

Kind of forced by the situation we started working on ourselves. That has been very good and made us who we are now. We broke free of the structures of our family and walk our own path now.

Still we mirror and confront each other and that is often not easy, but I am convinced that when I can face my biggest fears, we will slowly but steadily grow towards healing.

What supports me is the fact that I know different people who chose to seperate but years afterwards are still facing the same problems in themselves. They are defnitely not better off.

My marriage is kind of working, but not really. It got dragging, no fights, no hate. But the fire is out.

I would like to stay for the kids, but I also have the feeling like, it is my life, you know. I would like to enjoy and to have a partner that I really feel good with, Difficult!

I want to go in relationship therapy, but my partner doesn't want.

I fell in love with a colleague. And my colleague is in love with me.

But I also have family. Now I am in doubt. I thought my relationship was fine, but when I look back now I do miss something. Now I don't know what I want... how to continue?

I am a 46 year old man, married for 2,5 years and father of 3 kids. We are a patchwork family and are together for 9 years now. Our eldest son is not my biological son, but I raised him as such.

Now my wife decided to end the relationship. She told me she had doubts for a long time already and now she fell in love with a younger man.

I understand that she got feelings for another man... something that happens to many couples after a while. And the daily affairs with three kids strengthens the feeling that something is missing in your life.

But I don't understand why she gives up our family without talking with ME about OUR relationship... Despite the fact that she started already another relationship with someone else, I still want to do everything I can to win her back... I just don't know how to do that...

I already proposed to go to a relationship counsellor, but she doesn't see the point in that. I think she is so much in seventh heaven with her new lover that she is afraid to come back to the reality....

I really don't know what to do now... I don't want to give up on her, am still in love with her, I want to work on my mistakes and our relationship, but does that make sense when she continues (with winkers on)...

I am a 45 year old man and live together for 20 years now with my girlfriend. We don't have any children. I have a good life. Also with my girflfriend I have a good life and I love her deeply.

Still I fell in love with another woman, and she with me. I feel intensly in love and it feels wonderful to be with her. I also feel a strong connection with her, I allow myself to be vulnerable and open up. She wakes up a strong passion in me.

Now I have to choose between these two fantastic women. Do I choose for a safe, beautiful and good life, or do I choose for the unknown and the passion?

After feeling unhappy in the relationship for a long time, I broke up a few months ago.

This was very unexpected for her and she blames me for not giving a proper reason. It's true that I chose to not give any examples, I just shared that I started to feel unhappy in the relationship and that it didn't feel safe/closeby enough for me anymore to give more feedback.

This was also because on previous feedback she did not respond very constructive, she gave it all right back to me. I let her know that I would like for her to look a bit more critical to herself, but that is too abstract for her.

Is an unhappy/unhealthy feeling in a relationship enough reason or is she right that it was rude to just keep it at that?

We were together for 7 years. The last 2 years we kept ending up in the same discussions.

I had a very strong feeling that I was still trying to make it better then it was, while he was only busy with himself. Looking back, I saw that I had lost myself because I was focusing on us and on him too much.

So when we kept ending up in the same loops, I felt hopeless and at the same time I realized "I have to get out" and "we have to go our own way, because we do not make each other happy anymore."

It is important to me that you make each other stronger and that you feel happy.

At that point I was not ready yet to break up, but I moved out. We first decided to not live together anymore. And when that was actual, I could feel that it was not enough and that we had to let each other go.

We have been together for 7 years. The last 2 years we always ended up at the same discussion.

I always had the feeling I was trying to make it better then what we had, while he was only busy with himself. Looking back I see I lost myself because I was so much focussed on us and on him.

So after we always came to the same point again and again, I felt hoplessness and at the same time I realized "I have to get out" and "we have to go our own ways, because we don't make each other happy anymore".

For me it is important that you make each other stronger in a relationship and that you feel happy.

Back then I was not ready to divorce, but I found an appartment to live in. We decided to first live on our own. And once that was realized, I felt it wasn't enough and that we should completely seperate.

My husband and I have decided, after three years of considering (including relationship therapy) to finally split up. We have three young kids and we would like to maintain our relationship is parents for the children, also after the divorce.

We find enough tools with the mediator for after the divorce when we both will go our own way.

Does a therapy exist for after a divorce where both parents have the intention to stay in a good connection as parents for the children? I can not really find it.

After 17 years of marriage, of which ten years going in and out of the hospital because we wanted children but could not get them, it turned out that our ideas about a future without children were very much apart. No children, no longer together, it also created freedom. The freedom to discover what you do when your biggest dream doesn't come true.

Of course, the divorce was sad, but also a lot of recognition towards each other that different could become better. And that turned out to be true. Now, at a distance, but going good and more respectful towards each other then we ever were before.

Good to find a place to write it all down. I wish for everybody a respectful outcome.

My boyfriend and I have a LAT relationship for 10 years now. My goal was to live together with him eventually. He was always postponing.

Now he expressed that he rather keeps it as it is. I love him, but this goes against my ideas about a relationship.

I don't know if I will stay with him or put an end to this relationship?

We agreed on one thing; that we disagree with each other, but it's the other ones fault. Every question ended up in balming and fighting. Weather the children were around or not, it just kept on going and we didn't see a way out anymore.

We were thinking about divorce and it got worse. During a 'nice dinner' with friends we almost exploded. They managed to calm us down and let us know about this network of relationship therapists. They had had good experiences with it themselves.

This was a golden tip. We are intensivly in a proces with a relationship therapist for some weeks now and our pattorns became soon clear. The more depended I became and started to claim him. The more my husband closed himself off and tried to escape.

We are not ready yet and it is hard work, but we make steps towards connection, openess and trust.

After knowing my girlfriend for 30 years and after that 16 years as close friends, suddenly, because of very coincidental happenings, this friendship was ended in one phonecall to me.... (46 years...)

The 30 years before where years that my friend, Jolien*, now ex-partner, I hate that word, was working in a drugstore together with my wife Mart, who died 16 years ago. In that time I have seen her young kids grow up and we played tennis together, also Joliens* husband was there.
It was a wonderful time, to visit each other, playing tennis together for the whole day.
At a certain point my wife got ill, lymphoma, cancer..... very shocking news from the doctor for my wife and me, 50 years old, was never ill before. Working in the drugstore she didn't like to take any medication herself, even when I had a headache and wanted to take aspirin she looked like do you really need to do that....

Mart has had a very heavy process, was three times declared free of cancer after many chemo therapies, later a transplantation with one month in quarantine in a room with overpressure, so that bacteria's do not get a chance in the body of the patient that do not have any resistance anymore. I had to wear mouth protection when I visited her and special clothing and I was barely allowed to touch her and that was how my love was laying there, I could only be there for her.
And everything was for nothing in the end, despite all the efforts from the hospital, everybody was very caring and supportive, they did all they could do.

In the last weeks of Marts life, Jolien*, later my girlfriend, was very supportive in many different ways, things that a man is not so good at....

Months after the death of my wife, Jolien* asked if I would like to come over for dinner, in the mean time she was also alone and eating together would be nice.
I was very happy to do that and later I stayed a little longer and we were watching television together.
After that I went back to my own apartment, we both had our own apartment. Jolien* became a beautician after she retired and she had a practice at home and made women beautiful again and I did noy own things during the day, hobbies, photography in the zoo.

We got a lot of fun out of life together, first not so easy, but later with many nice trips, not too far, by car on short holidays etc....

Suddenly the strangest story of my life happens, Jolien is 77 and I am 73 years old.

Joliens* daughter Lia* and her husband Geno* had had a big fight again, Lia* is ten years older then her husband and her domination is sometimes getting out of hand.... Lia* mother got involved and got very upset. A whatsapp message from me to daughter Lia* saying "please keep your mother out" had a disastrous effect... Lia* wrote back "this message of yours I will discuss with my mother...."
And then something in me snapped, in stead of leaving the mother out of it, she ad a heart attack 6 months earlier, she didnt give a d*mn about my wish to keep her out. So I wrote back "don't do that, I can come to your place to discuss it"... And then it all went wrong because of this, with all due respect, hysterical daughter who was sharing my messages with her brother while they were meant only for her. And then her mother got to know everything. And afterwards it turned out that there was a whole 'family meeting' at the mothers home where I (!) was discussed and sentenced!

A small in between story, on saurday the 8th of april, Jolien* and me went out on a trip to her sister that has a husband that is ill, burn a candle in church, bring light.... The sunday after that, the most beautiful and warm day of april, we went to the beach, were lazy, had a drink. The monday after a whatsapp message "still alive?" as we did every morning. Then had dinner together as always, watching television, received a message as always about the menu, was always very exciting and very well prepared for my taste, I have to eat saltless....

Then the tuesday after, I will never forget that day, time stood still and my life ended. Jolien* called me to announce, Harrie, I end our friendship, I choose for the children, they are over 50 and there was never a problem with me before. We always went to visit them with birthdays and holidays! Together!
I was completely confused and devastated, tried to connect them later but I did not manage. Be aware, before this sudden phonecall I end our friendship, there was nothing strange, nothing at all that I noticed but I was murdered and my head is chopped off.

on top of it, as if it wasn't enough, I got a letter with a non-compliance. Was just taken from the internet, not a real one from the judge. But it was used against me, if I were to come anywhere close, they would call the police. And that after knowing me for so many years! As if I am some kind of criminal, I am nothing of that all, i would harm a fly, ever!

Jolien* who doesn't answer me at all anymore but did read my whatsapp message that my life is no use anymore like this, I also don't any family anymore, my 3 sisters passed away I am completely alone. She did call the doctor who called me to come by because of the possibility that i would hurt myself. Later that night police at the door, 2 even, in full uniform, wanted to talk to me...

Wrote a letter to the daughter about the strange letter she wrote and possible misinterpreting my messages and apologizing, no response at all. Stopped by Joliens* house to try to see if I could get some contact but the doow was not answered and I walked away like an abandoned dog.
Wrote a letter to Joliens son that we are both old people that can still mean a lot to each other in life, support each other like we always have done, you and your sister that live far from the city, and are often traveling, I can support your mother when needed., especially after her heart attack.
Noting..... no response at all...

Saturday again police at the door.... in a building for elderly people, many people will have twisted their necks because of this, again police, full uniform, rubber stopper, weapon, hand coughs with them.... I was a bit disturbed, what did I do wrong this time? I never had more contact with the police then for driving too fast.

Turns out that Jolien had called the police that I, Harrie, was stalking her.... my jaw dropped, three days after the short phonecall that ended my life, the police and Jolien* address my attempts for some contact, one time ringing her doorbell and some whatsapp messages, as stalking....

Later the policemen admitted that it was kind of rough and that it was definitely NOT stalking.

Everything that we were still planning to do together was cancelled, suddenly all the places we used to go I do not dare to go anymore.... april 30th is her birthday....

My doctor told me as a kind of consolation, that people that had a heart attack are often very easily influenced so maybe that's the reason for the sad happenings you had to go through. And yes everybody, I cannot imagine at all that Jolien* my previously so much involved and lovable girlfriend is happy with this situation....

She chose for this... with a big "this is never going to be alright again" still ringing in my ears everyday, this was her saying goodbye.

My advice, never come between parent and child, because it can be used against you just like that. No self pity, just lost completely the meaning of life, the shine of previous joy is gone, the past with many beautiful memories, full of pain, it's over.

Start again for the third time? No, I am completely finished and broken.

My dear wife told me in the most difficult time of her life "always look into the light, then the shadow will be behind you"

So bravely said by that sweet Mart, disappeared behind the horizon already so long ago, I long to be with you there, I am done here. Everything has become meaningless....

Written down in truth.
29/04-2017

P.s. * are fictional names

A few years ago I broke up with E. That was my choice. Still, many years later, I have a hard time dealing with it. Not because I want her back or that I regret it, but because I find it hard to see that I hurt her. And because it hurt me too.

Even though you are the one to break up, it doesn't mean you are not love sick. At least in my case.

R.