I know I shouldn’t be writing to you right now

Ethan,

I know I shouldn’t be writing to you right now. I should have let you go months ago. I should have lived my life with no regrets about anything that involved you and me. However, you never gave me any closure, you never apologized for what you did. Out of everything that happened, the least you could do is give me an apology. What hurts the most is knowing what you did to me and for some reason you have no remorse. Like I meant nothing to you.
I would like to believe that you loved me, I would like to believe that I meant something to you. I look back at our relationship and with what I see, I want to believe that you weren’t manipulating me to get what you want. I want to believe that your goal with me wasn’t so that you could have sex with me, basically use me for my body. But I can’t believe any of those things.

So let me tell you a story.

You saw her on Bumble and matched with her. You didn’t think that she would be as easy to grasp onto than she was. Then she invited you for pizza really late at night and holy shit you never found someone so easy. I mean, that’s all you wanted right? You just wanted to fuck her and she held the door open for you within that one invitation. Then the door slammed right in front of your face the second she told you she was waiting for marriage. So you had a choice, to drop her, who was already so easy to catch, or to make her a challenge for you. You’re not used to not getting what you want. She frustrated you, so you chose the challenge, you chose to see how long it would take in order for her to say yes to sex.
You knew that the only way to keep your grasp on her was to put a label on it. Make her you “girlfriend” it won’t take you that long to fuck her then drop her with the excuse of you didn’t want a relationship before you left for school again. Yet again, she frustrated you, by the end of the summer you still didn’t get what you wanted. So again, you’re left with a choice, drop her and lose, or keep playing. And you don’t lose, so you keep playing. Next, you are all moved into your final year of college and damn, you need to fuck someone, and bad. So, you go back to your ex. I mean, how is your “girlfriend” going to find out what you did? As long as you don’t tell Liz who she really is, then no one is going to find out.
Surprisingly, you got away with it, your “girlfriend” never even suspected what you did. So you did it again, and again, and again. It was so easy, she never even asked questions. Soon, you were fucking four different girls. They all satisfied your needs, however, you were nowhere close to completing that challenge that you gave yourself that previous summer. You enjoyed the attention she gave you, but that wasn’t the point, you had to win. Next thing you know, you’re on Facetime with her the night before your birthday.
April 25th, this relationship lasted 10 months longer than you wanted. You still hadn’t completed your goal and now you’re stuck. She has stuck onto you for months now. You had to keep your grasp on her so you told her you loved her on December 29th and unsurprisingly she told you she loved you back. Did you know that in that moment in time, it was the first time she told someone she loved someone back? Did you know that in that moment in time, she thought she believed what love really is? Back to April 25th, you know that she doesn’t suspect what you’ve been doing since August. So, you keep the facade on. She will never find out. You’re still on Facetime with her and she has been talking for hours. God she talks so much, you have no choice but to sit and pretend to listen. Then she said something that peaked your interest. The one word that you’ve been waiting for. Sex. You knew she was going to visit you in South Carolina in May. You were just going to see how it goes, but now, sex is actually in the picture. You can finally win the game that you have been playing for almost a year now. You can finally be done.
A month later she is laying in your bed. God you want to fuck her and you’re so close. Except you forgot how good of a person she is. You forgot how innocent she is. You decide to forget about what you have been doing behind her back since the beginning of your “relationship” and give full attention to her. Then the time comes and she finally says yes. You won the game, at last. However, that was her first time and it was bad. You were not satisfied at all. So you washed her up, made sure she was ok, and put her to bed.
Then you called up one of your side girls to finish the job. How would your girlfriend, who’s laying in your bed, naked, dead asleep, ever find out? You whisper to her that you are going on a drive and it won’t take long. Two hours later you arrived back and went to bed like nothing happened. The rest of the week flies by and you cannot wait until you’re free again. You dropped her off at the airport and drove off. Once she got home, you decided to pull away. You stopped telling her you love her, stopped talking to her, you decided to ignore your 1 year anniversary, then continue to ignore her for the rest of the weekend. You won your game, you don’t need her anymore. But, you can’t bring yourself to break up with her.
Liz found out who she actually is and told her what you’ve been doing for your “relationship”. Your whole life blew up in your face. You get a phone call from your “girlfriend” sobbing and that’s when it hit you. That is the moment that you realized how much pain you’ve caused. While she took the day and didn’t talk to you, you started getting hate messages. First from Lisa, fuck, now you’ve lost two people that satisfied your needs. Then you get hate messages from her best friends. Hannah attacked you, Taylor attacked you, then Izzy completely yelled at you. Finally you get a text from her sister. You have so much hatred from everyone supporting her that you just grab the bottle. You use alcohol to numb yourself from what is going on around the world. You don’t want to think about your actions anymore and decide to ignore her pleas for closure.

You won your game, but at what cost?

How does that story make you feel? As you are probably aware, the she in the story is me. Everything you did to that poor girl in that story above is what you did to me. That is my truth, and at this point, I don’t care about your truth as you had never given it to me. Here’s the thing, I am a human being. I am not a game, or a challenge, or just a place where you can put your dick in. What you did to me completely broke me. You took me and used me. In your eyes I was “A fine piece of ass” I am not an object. I am not “A bitch from Illinois” Yes, I was naive, yes I was innocent. But that does not give you an excuse to treat me as any less than a human being. You knew how big of a deal sex was for me. I wasn’t sleeping with you just to sleep with you. I slept with you because I trusted you with my whole heart. I loved you so deeply that I gave you such a big part of who I was.
How could you? How could you leave me in your bed the night you took my virginity to go sleep with another girl? Here’s the thing, when Liz told me what you had been doing behind my back, (which she had full right to do, I wonder if you realize that you hurt her too) I was broken, but not completely. I had the ability to move on and heal. And for a while I did. Besides the first week, I was able to live my life without the thought of “I wonder if you would approve of what I’m doing” I, for the first time in a year, felt completely free. But, what shot me down and I still haven’t been able to recover from, was realizing what happened that night. I asked you if my suspicions were true and received no response. You know what a lack of response does? It confirms that what I thought might have happened when you left, was actually what happened.
What you don’t know about that night was that I was awake the whole time you were gone. As you know, I have trouble falling asleep at night, especially when my mind is racing. That night my mind was racing. I had my eyes closed, but my body and my mind were completely awake, it didn’t matter how tired I was. When you told me you were going on a drive I heard it. I sat awake for the whole time you were gone and couldn’t fall back asleep until you came back. So that makes your actions of that night even worse. Instead of leaving me asleep to go fuck another girl, you left me awake, unable to sleep to go fuck another girl.
I get the sex was bad, believe me, ever since then I have slept with guys who were way better than you ever were. Let alone actually getting aftercare? I have also slept with guys since then who were way worse. But I didn’t leave them to go get something better. Unlike you, I actually respected the guy. And if you are reading this and judging me for what I did over the summer? I would stop and think about how you have no right to judge me and my actions.
You know, after June 29th, people told me to burn your stuff, they told me to go to your commander, and to go to your mom. I can still do all of that. I have all the proof of what you did. Photos and videos with time stamps from me, as well as photos and videos with time stamps from Lisa. I talked to one of my friends who is also in the military. She said that people have done it before and have gotten their exes kicked out of the military. Especially if the targeted person is accused of having such a lack of respect towards other people. So, yeah, if I choose to, I could go to your commander. That would mean no more flight school, no more Top Gun, no more Navy.
Or I can go to your mom. Tell her what kind of son she has raised. Hell, I’ve done it before, you know I have. I am not afraid to do it again. I know your mom did not like me, however, I don’t think any mother wants to know that her son cheated on his “girlfriend” with 4 other girls. As well as take his “girlfriend’s” virginity then leave her afterwards to go sleep with another girl. Your family is a military family. I’m sure that you and your brother were raised to respect others, especially women. Oh, I know you’re a “big boy” and you don’t live with your mother anymore, but every time you see her, you will know that she knows just the kind of person you are.



To your mother,
I first want to apologize for dropping all of this on you in one letter. I don’t know what he has told you but this is my truth. If he didn’t tell you or your husband that we were dating then you knew the same exact story that he told 4 other girls. If you are reading this and thinking that I am crazy, think about this.
On June 10th 2020, your son asked me to be his girlfriend at his grandparents’ house. It was raining, he was grilling hamburgers. I was laying in the middle of the yard letting the rain hit me. He thought I was crazy, what can I say, I really enjoy the rain. He asked me to be his girlfriend on the ledge right next to the door on the porch, still outside. His cousin was with us, but he was inside getting changed from just coming home from work. If I was crazy, how do I remember what happened on that day in detail?
Your son made me believe that we were dating, it did not matter if he thought differently. And for his actions, I want to apologize to you. I know you raised your kid to grow up to be good people. I don’t doubt that you and your husband are not great people. I always thought that you were respectful towards me and I really appreciate it. You were not the problem, you never were. The person that was the problem was the last person that any of us expected. And for that, I truly apologize.


To you,
This is the last time you will ever hear from me. If you decide to read this or not I don’t really give a fuck. You will never hear from me again. So take all your shit back, I wasn’t keeping it to keep it, I just never got around to sending it back, let alone never getting any of my stuff back as well. But at this point you can keep that too. All the books that I let you borrow, the bracelet that I gave you. I’m sure you’re still using the coffee mug warmer because damn, I am good at realizing the stuff that people like and giving it to them.
Here is one last thing. I have replaced everything that you have taken from me. All of my books, my necklace, my life. I even replaced you. After you, I wasn’t planning on getting into another relationship for a long time. But then I met him, unlike you he wants to spend time with me. He wants me to go to his house and meet his family, he wants me to meet his friends. He wants to come to my dorm room and see the life that I live, see who I really am outside of the cell phone. You, you never really cared. You never wanted your friends to know who I was because your friends knew me as a side hoe. You never wanted me to see the life you live because you knew that the life you were showing me, the person that you were to me, was not the person that you actually are. And you did not want me to know about it.
He has been supportive of me from the time that I quit volleyball, through the sleepless nights, through anxiety and panic attacks, through feeling like I am not good enough for him. He knows my story, he knows what you did to me. He understands that your actions were the cause of a lot of the stuff that I go through during the day now. And without him knowing it, he is building me back up from everything that you have torn down. Because of that, he is 100x the man that you will ever be.
If you somehow find someone else that was as easy to catch as I was, do not try to catch her and treat her the same way you treated me. Do not treat her as an object. Do not break her down to believe that she is worth nothing. Do not think that she is less than you. Do not put her through the same thing you put me through. It is not fair to her. If you meet someone, be honest with her about what you want. Say you want sex, if you tell a girl that is all you want, they will understand and move on. Because all in all, if you were honest with me in May of 2020, none of this would have happened.


Goodbye Ethan. And I really mean it this time. I have finally said everything that I needed to say. I don’t know if you are ever going to read this and a part of me wants you to and a part of me doesn’t. Either way, I won’t find out.