Commitment

It's really hard to explain what happened but l’ll try. I am 25 and started going out with my gf a year ago. I was someone who was used to being single for so long and doing whatever I want whenever I want. So in hindsight I think I rushed into a relationship with her (not making excuses I promise). Anyway because of that, I never felt 100% fully committed to the relationship to start out with as I was still new to it all and looking back now I was also terrified of being vulnerable. She was and still is an amazing a girl who I literally can’t fault. Never argued and genuinely the best partner someone could ask for.

(In advance, this is again not an excuse but I believe to be a contributing factor). From my teens I’ve struggled very badly with general anxiety disorder and panic disorder. Which recently graduated into a combo with depression due to being enable to live a normal life.

Anyway I am on medication that quite honestly makes me numb to feeling things quite a lot. When mixed with alcohol it has a severe toll on my mental health. The first time I cheated was with someone drunkenly at a house party. I was not deprived in any aspect of my relationship. Can’t say I even like this girl and most certainly never spoke to her again. I cannot blame my actions on alcohol but my feelings afterwards were definitely skewed due to my mental state and medication. I didn’t feel the guilt and remorse I should’ve felt immediately. Because of this I told myself that maybe my relationship wasn’t going to last anyway. Clearly just a cowardly excuse for what I had done.

On from this, the same thing happened another 4 times with different people which I know is absolutely disgusting and unforgivable. (Protected sex but getting tested regardless). And just like last time I was in denial and kept telling myself the same things. It felt like a knock on effect of self destructive behaviour that I just did not seem to be willing to accept or challenge.

This part may be hard to believe but during these infidelities, i was still finding myself falling more and more in love with my gf and her being my best friend.

In recent weeks my mental health has taking a very bad turn for other reasons. I have had a complete breakdown in all aspects and due to this the numbness and avoidance of my infidelities has worn off too.

And now here I am, at rock bottom where I feel like I deserve to be. I have decided I can no longer live the lie I have been living with my gf. She of course does not deserve any of what has happened to her. I plan to come completely clean with her, with the expectations of her never speaking to me ever again. On the other hand I am wondering whether that could be seen as a means of me just trying to clear my guilt and conscience. I am wondering whether to protect her and potentially end the relationship without admitting to the infidelities. With regards to myself I am scheduled to see a psychiatrist, psychologist and plan to start therapy for my own health but also to ensure I never do anything like this ever again.

I would just like to hear people’s takes on this?