Kate | Relationship Counsellor and Psychotherapist

Relationship Counselling Cranleigh

**Update 26 April 2024** I am currently full and I have no availability.

'We are born in relationship and die in relationship'. Most of our challenges will be because we are in relationship with ourselves and others. We adapt to fit our family of origin / social system and dependent on what skills we gain in that family, and in the environments around us, our attachment style, coping strategies and defenses are learnt. These patterns lead to how we feel IN relationship, i.e. joy, security, fear, abandonment, alone, etc. All this then plays out in how we live, i.e. avoidant, anxious or secure.

Chances are you feel that you are living life in a problematic way rather than in a fulfilled way.  This is not your fault as it is about conditioning. Sometimes, like a washing machine, we need to empty the load, take a look at what is problematic, and put in a lighter load. 

Couples / twos counselling and psychotherapy offers a way to do this. We look at what is problematic for each of you now; what skills you are both utilising well and what you may need to update on.  Values sometimes can be in conflict as we tend to learn these in families of origin and don't think to re-evaluate when we get in new relationships, i.e. being over responsible, feeling you have to be kinder to others than yourself, having to be strong and that being emotional is weak, etc. Chances are these 'adaptions' no longer serve you and are causing conflict within, and within your relationships. 

Couple counselling and psychotherapy helps you both start to appreciate one another for who you are today with 'I am ok, you are ok'.

Couples counselling is all about two... two needs, two desires, two wants, etc.  so we are always looking at the impact of each person on the relationship built.  What tends to happen is we attract people that are familiar and so you will probably be in a relationship with someone whose unmet needs are similiar to yours, i.e. to be heard, be seen, be validated, not be abandoned/rejected, etc. yet you will come into the relationship with very different surface behaviours, e.g. one may be anxious and one avoidant. 

The easiest way to describe this is one of you may tend to have an crocodile (feels isolated, snap, snap, goes for attention) and the other a tortoise (pulls head in and withdraws) in a relationship which can cause conflict and isolation as each fears rejection/abandoment and being on their own.  So, each tries to hold onto the other in ways that are ineffective (yet learnt!) which can cause loss, isolation, pain and despair. 

In couples counselling we will look at what your symptoms are together, i.e. use of excessive alcohol, workaholic, continually feeling disappointed, unfulfilled, etc,. to get to the root cause of your issues. 

I firmly believe, what started as love can be love again if you both do the work, and take personal responsibility, rather than blaming the other. After all, blame is just avoiding your pain and gets you no-where. Reminding here that part of the process of counselling is 'healing is feeling, and feeling is healing;.

So, if this sounds like the kind of couple / two therapy you want, which is non-blaming, non-judgemental and about looking at the impact of both of you on your relationship, then do get in contact.