Divorce - Break up? Tips
Tips for coping with divorce - break up
Would you like some tips and advice how to deal with a divorce or break up? Or tips for when you're still doubting wether or not to break up or stay together?
This forum is a great place to:
- explore several tips.
- share the tips that work for you.
What's your tip how to deal with divorce or breakup? Or what's your tip how to deal with the choice between breaking up or staying together?
Overview of tips
Tip 1 - Check if there is a personal problem
Check if the problem you experience is really a relationship problem, or if it is in the first place a personal problem.
Do you for example feel under challenged at work or in your daily life? Do you carry certain trauma's? Do certain issues from previous relationships still trigger you in this one?
Things like this can have an influence on your relationship. You will have to take the responsibility for that yourself. You cannot expect your partner to solve it.
It can have a very positive influence on your relationship when you solve your personal problem and deal with it differently.
Tip 2 - Divorce can also mean relief
Divorce can be a big step, people can stay together for the children. That can work for a while when the relationship also goes better again.
When you notice that there is still a depressed energy, realize that the children also do not benefit from parents that live under tension.
A divorce can also be a relief for the ones that find themselves in this situation.
Tip 3 - Learn to work together in a respectful way
When you are going to divorce and you have children, you want the children to suffer as little as possible from it.
When you really go for this, this will show in the way you (learn to) work together with your ex-partner. Many parents divorce, and find out that the patterns they wanted to escape are still active after the divorce.
So they also find out that they will have to learn to work together in a respectful way and take each other serious, for the sake of the children. Something that was often exerienced as something difficult in the relating.
Tip 4 - Problems in your relationship can lead to more closeness
When you are in a relation it is normal to have difficult times every once in a while. That doesn't mean you have to divorce.
Research shows that 5 years after people decided to stay together, they where happy again in their relationship. Sometimes they even experienced more closeness then before.
Tip 5 - Go to a therapist in stead of to a laywer
Divorce is a radical decision that has many consequences for your own life and for important others.
It is wise to investigate if there is anything possible in your relationship before to make such a decision.
It is no shame to go to a therapist to find out if you really have to divorce. If this would happen, the therapist can offer support to break up in a healthy way.
Going to a therapist is often more effective then going to a lawyer, who rather has a conflict enhancing effect.
Tip 6 - Look through your falling in love with another
Are you in love with another person and does this create a dilemma between divorce or staying in your current relationship?
Try to look through your falling in love.
Of course... a new love affair will make you fly and will create pleasant excitement. And it can feel like 'real love'. But at a certain point the excitement will fade out and you will face the same things with this new person as you do in your current relationship.
When you imagine the first excitement to be gone, is this then the person with whom you would like to be in a relationship (and maybe grow old with)?
Or is your current partner someone with whom you like to see yourself together with in the future.
Tip 7 - See the other who is hurt with mildness
Everybody is human. When we are hurt, we can protect ourselves with fight. Both defending or attacking.
In a divorce there are many different people that feel hurt. You yourself, your ex partner, your children, your family, your ex family in law, friends and other people closely involved. This can create conflicts.
The first step is to see that people feel hurt. Look with mild eyes to how this hurt comes out.
This is a very difficult step to take. Would you like support, for yourself, for your partner, your family, your surrounding? Talk about this with a relationship therapist. They can support you in dealing with the loss and a part of the divorce. And support you with your break-up.
Tip 8 - Create a new connection
Also when you know you will divorce, it is advicable to find a therapist. Talk about the underlying problems, learn to transform blames in expressing longings.
And learn to mourn together for the loss of the mariage that started once so beautifully. Talking about this can create a new connection that will benefit the children.
Tip 9 - Find a relationship counsellor
Are you suffering from your divorce or break up? Or are you doubting whether or not to break up or to stay together?
A relationship counsellor can help you.
Tip 11 - Check what you avoid
What stage in life or what development do you try to avoid by wondering "should I stay or should I divorce?"
Tip 12 - Children during divorce
When you know people that are fighting their way through a divorce, let them know that they are emotionally abusing themselves and the children.
There are very good therapyforms for people who go through this. Try to take care of yourself and the children and take the support that is provided!
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