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I stupidly had an affair

I stupidly had an affair 5 and a half years ago that lasted a month. It devastated my wife but we got through it and are still together today. However she still is asking questions and I'm giving the same answers. It feels like she is taking 3 steps forward and two steps back. Regularly she tells me that she is in love with me...never wants to lose me again...also that she's done beating me about it constantly. Then within a day or two she goes back to asking questions and threatening me with divorce again. I regret what I did beyond anything ever in my life and if I could take it back I would in a heartbeat. I love my wife like crazy and am never going to hurt her again for literally any reason ever again. But after 5 and a half years, the still constant barrage of questions is sending me deeper and deeper into an already deep depression. I know I sound selfish but I cannot talk to her about this without her exploding. She tells me to be honest but as soon as she hears an answer she doesn't like she explodes. She's refused any kind of therapy to help and refuses to try any of the things I've suggested. I'm at my wits end and can feel my mental health spiralling. Again I know she's hurting and I truly am there for her every time. But I just feel I have no one there for me. And yes that sounds selfish as I did this to myself. But 5 and a half years and still I feel like day one sometimes with the constant questions. I'm crazy in love with her and I am spiralling in depression. I hide it all the time from her. And the times I've mentioned it she calls me selfish and berates me more. I get literally hours worth of texts while at work which makes me lose my focus and I know it's affecting my work. I don't know what to do anymore.

Depressed
02-12-2023

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